All a bit strange...

Its been a strange week of visiting friends, preparing the house to move out, lots of lunches and evenings out. Current feeling is tired from all the late nights, full up from all the food and drink  and happy i’m seeing all my friends. I couldn’t work in hospitality ….oh wait.

There’s a frantic feeling in the air as everyone prepares for Christmas and i prepare for my travels.

The most difficult part of the week seems to be sitting in my office for eight hours a day with not much to do when i have so much to do in my own time! Today ive completely cleared my desk.  My successor is so fab at the job she really doesn’t need me any longer.  Its like ive left already.  Therefore i am using my time wisely and writing this blog, ssshh dont tell anyone.

Ive resorted to carrying a sheet of A4 paper round with me as an aide memiore as i really cant recall everything i need to do (this is more age related than situation related perhaps?)

I sit at my desk staring out of this so familiar window across the site, seeing staff come and go as ive done for years. I wonder who will stay in touch, how their lives will change over the next year.

Its funny how in the last week or so ive had such lovely messages, interesting how we only really feel the full effect of our impact on a workplace when we announce we are leaving.  Its a warm fuzzy loveliness that makes my eyes leak a little.

Right, enough of that, over to practicalities.

Here are my current ‘issues’ or first world problems!

Im struggling with packing clothes, do i take jeans?  I do love them but drying time, bulkiness etc?

Ive yet to try to fit everything in my backpack, thats a job for tomorrow.

Do i need to book a flight out of Capetown or will they allow me in without an exit strategy?  Ive got a way to deal with this is need be.  Apparently, just before you fly you can ‘hold’ a flight to another nearby destination for 24hrs, use the confirmation to show immigration and then let the held flight lapse.  Truth is i don’t want to be thinking about my next trip until ive been in SA for a week or two.

It'll be what it'll be.

Countdown to the next chapter

2018, November
Ive had a marvellous year here at the palace, a long hot summer, lots of wonderful weekends away, some great friends.  The kids seem settled, mother seems happy.

But I'm distracted by my friend Mark who died, too young, too soon, the enormity, the unjustness of someone passing away when they had so much to live for at such a young age.  He was my friend, not my greatest friend but I knew his hopes plans and dreams, he was just entering his next chapter, except he never got there...
The fragility of life, the shortness and the need to make the most of it came crashing into clarity in the weeks after his death.  Rightly or wrongly I focussed on my life.

Great job, great friends, no money worries, single (meh) and healthy.  So what was it, why did I feel I want really living it? Where were my passions, what did I want to do, to be?

Waking one morning and watching the sunrise it hit me, the answer was always there, I just needed to look.  All the weekends away, all the mini trips abroad, and the bigger ones, the camper van, travelling was my passion.  The weekends passed too fast, how  could I achieve one big weekend?
And here I am, four weeks away from ending my career, leaving my home, friends and family and Taz of course.
It still feels ok, right, I am sad a little too, but my brain is focused forward, I think if what may come, I need to follow my heart, my head, my dreams. The number of friends and colleagues who have said they would love to do this but they are too afraid/committed has astounded me, I was more expecting to be told I was a nutter, that's the usual response I get!
I currently having to be very grown up  and sort my possessions my paperwork and my diary full of 'final' meetings with friends colleagues and family.  Its interesting how free It feels to get rid of the weight of possessions (I have kept some but not many)
one more payslip and ill be unemployed
one more month and ill be thousands of miles away
First stop is Tenerife to visit friends, then Madrid and Cape Town.  After that? Well you'll have to keep reading this and ill tell you, because honestly, I don't know.
The world is truly my lobster.  I wonder if my lobster is ready for me though?

How a happy person deals with grief .....my take

Most if not all of my presence on social media is positive happy subject, yes thats what i want to portray but more importantly thats also who and what i am.

My happy outlook was seriously challenged recently when the sudden death of a close friend spun my world into a place id never been before.

Yes of course, death is inevitable for us all, and yes ive experienced grief before, but this was another level.  Old people die, sick people die, these are events in life we expect and are even subconsciously preparing for.  But when a death happens to someone who ran marathons, was an multiple Ironman, ate carefully, hardly drank, loved life and helped others to achieve fitness its really really hard to accept.

Greiving is a selfish and all consuming act - it affects your every moment. Guilt if you smile, embarrassment when you cry at work, everyday simple tasks become difficult, you find yourself gazing into the distance, distracted by so many thoughts of the person/situation. You question everything, you cant accpet the injustice of it, especially when you see people smoking, eating rubbish and not taking care of themselves.

Ive spent days in this bubble and can feel the gradual decline in my health as i neglected my sleep diet and exercise, increased the alcohol (a terrible 'coping' strategy) and generally stopped caring about myself.

Luckily ive realised that this way forward is only going to make me feel worse so almost as soon as it started ive pushed myself to stop it.

We all know, and its well documented that taking good care of yourself, especially with exercise causes happy hormones to flow through your body and increase wellbeing, yet the first thing you dont want to do is exercise. 

Well you know that push that makes you go to work/get out of bed etc, you need to apply that to go and run/gym/spin whatever your method of sweatmaking is.  

We also know that a healthy diet - especially in times of stress can contribute to your mind, (eat crap/nothing - feel crap)

Sleep is a more complex problem to solve, ive never been great at it, but you should at least make time to rest, somewhere quiet, without a screen and maybe even with a book you enjoy.

If you need help or want to talk, ask - youd be surprised who doesnt mind listening.

If you want to cry (even though it makes you feel sorry for those around you) CRY! its a good release and crying is absolutely ok for boys.

Sometimes you will want to be on your own, sometimes you will want to be surrounded by people. 

Allow the grief in but dont let it define you.  Its probably not going to go away but it will fade and you will learn to adapt and let it live inside you.

Do not feel guilty for being alive

Do feel grateful for everything, try to live a full and happy life.