This voyage of discovery isn't just about travelling, meeting people and discovering new exciting things, it's also a voyage of self-discovery which is only just beginning.
As I turned a corner on the side of a mountain here in South Africa today i looked back at the path and as I did I thought about the path id taken to get here.
Its been a rocky few months lately, deaths of friends, end of a long career, going it alone. I'm beginning to see a few things more clearly.
Firstly - Im a people pleaser, this is both a good and bad trait. When i meet someone new that ill be spending time with it always begins with me moulding myself to fit them, i change my ways to mimic theirs, I try to 'fit in' this isn't really a conscious thing, i want them to like me, i want to be the person they approve of, admire and enjoy being with. Ive no idea at the time I'm doing this. As i step back i see it now, I'm the same in romantic relationships too, im the agreeable girlfriend who will say yes even when she's not overly keen, im the girl who is astounded when a guy shows interest and will readily go on a date even if im not that into him - i guess this is classic low self-esteem?
I need to learn
to say no occasionally
to be myself
to learn who i am
and not to be who i think everyone else wants me to be
or maybe that is who i am - some kinda shapeshifter who was put here to have fun and enhance others lives... if thats so then that needs to be a thing i can make right and ok?
Ugh
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